This post is likely to cause me some degree of embarrassment, but I'll proceed in writing it anyway. Perhaps the very publishing of the details of the incident in question will prove to be cathartic.
I'm quite shaken by something that occurred today.
I (inadvertently) committed a crime.
Here's how it went down:
I was shopping at a local supermarket, and quickly found all of the items on my list. As I headed towards the checkout aisles, I decided to grab a small pack of gum. As I unloaded my shopping cart onto the checkout counter, I absent-mindedly put the gum in my pocket. After paying for my purchases, I left the store. A few minutes later, I put my hand into my coat pocket, and much to my horror, discovered the pack of gum. A quick check of the receipt confirmed my fears: I had not, in fact, paid for this gum.
I had entered the foul fraternity of shoplifters.
I quickly drove back to the store, placed the gum back on the shelf from whence it came, and left the store, ending my shoplifting career after about seven minutes. Technically, I could've kept the gum, and paid for it. However, I decided to eschew the gum entirely (had it been bubble gum, I imagine that I'd have esbubbled it), for the following reasons:
(1) The store was packed, and waiting on the checkout line to pay for the gum would've cost me another 10 minutes.
(2) Waiting on line to pay for only one small pack of gum is decidedly pathetic. Therefore, before paying for the gum, I'd probably have bought about $20 worth of additional merchandise I didn't really need, just to make it look better.
(3) After initially taking possession of this gum via (unintentionally) nefarious means, I wanted no part of it. I also feared that the gum would mock me forever. Worse yet, the gum might begin to speak to me, convincing me to continually "up the ante," by committing even worse crimes. Try as I might to resist its spearminty entreaties, I could eventually fall prey to the gum's incessant nagging, and embark on a terrible crime spree. Upon being captured, I'd be brought to trial, and would be called to testify. The prosecuting attorney would probably begin his questioning by addressing me in the following manner. "Mr. MBB, you sit here today, accused of committing several heinous crimes." At that point, the trial would take an immediate turn for the worse for me. At the risk of sounding rather immature, I must admit that I've always found the word "heinous" to be incredibly funny. There's no way I'd be able to keep a straight face. In the best case scenario, I'd chuckle. In the worst case (and most likely) scenario, I'd completely lose it. I'd be sunk even before the questioning began, and the rest of the trial would be little more than a formality.
Of course, the part about the pack of gum speaking to me would probably get me an insanity defense, and keep me out of jail. Then again, a psychiatric facility for the criminally insane is no picnic either. I just can't see myself thriving in that type of environment. Chances are, I'd be viewed as "uncooperative," and subjected to regular electroshock therapy treatments. A couple of years ago, while attempting to change a light fixture, I got a small shock, and really didn't enjoy it at all. The thought of electroshock therapy terrifies me. So, I just put the gum back, and quickly left the store.
I recall reading once that some people who had been arrested for shoplifting later said that they did it just for the thrill of it, to see if they could get away with it. Let me tell you, from my standpoint, there's no thrill involved, whatsoever. I guess that's a good thing.
One thing still disturbs me, though. Sure, I returned the gum immediately upon discovering that I had taken it without paying for it. Then again, we're talking about a $0.69 item. What would I have done if I had taken a much more expensive item, and gotten away with it? Say, for example, instead of a pack of gum, I had taken a 20 pound bar of gold off a shelf in the produce aisle and slipped it into my pocket, only to discover it after leaving the store? That's roughly $280,000. I'd like to think that I'd return the gold under that scenario, but can I really be certain?
I believe that some deep soul-searching and introspection is in order.
7 comments:
a pack of gum is more like a 2 oz bar of gold and still a lot of money. I think the chances of putting 20 lbs in your pocket and not noticing it is rather slim. Also it would probably tear your pocket.
20 lbs of gold can be really tough on the teeth, you probably would esbar it
need a lawyer on retainer? i know of a few.
But they charge money, not gold bars or gum.
unless you are related, then a deal can be worked out.
awesome post! this one had me cracking up
when I put the lipstick in my pocket by mistake in CVS I was indeed thrilled. And amazed at how easy it was.
Kids, don't shoplift. You'll go to jail.
i once left a deoderant in my cart and took it out to the car. I of course already had the baby strapped in by the time I saw it .... but it was my fault and I didn't just want to leave it in the cart and have someone just take it. So the next time I was in the store I bought one and then left it at the service desk. I was did not feel settled until I had paid for it.
Really,you should've kept the gum! You could have put it into a museum as"The Talking Gum".
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