As the Big Gulp Turns

I just can't take this anymore.


It is just too much to endure.


This craziness must stop.


For exactly one week now, I have not had any caffeine.


Officially, it was a doctor's idea. Apparently, he feels that his medical degree gives him license to suck all of the joy out of a person's life. Unfortunately, FBB was in the room when he issued his no-caffeine decree. She jumped on it like it was the clearance rack at Lord & Taylor. Her enforcement capabilities are without peer. We're talking about a woman who can smell when I've been to 7-11. I kid you not.

Now, I'm no sucker. I know a conspiracy when I see it. I'm fully aware that this was really FBB's idea, and she went behind my back and convinced the doctor to concoct this silly no-caffeine thing. Yes, indeed. FBB and the good doctor are clearly in cahoots in this situation.

While FBB should get some points for effort on this one, the conspiracy is hardly original. I believe that this scenario is very similar to a plot line in a soap opera, perhaps All My Children, Young and the Restless or General Hospital. Probably all three of them, at one time or the other. It usually goes something like this:

Alexis cannot remember her last name, as she suffers from amnesia, having only recently woken up from a month-long coma, the result of a mysterious disease which has no symptoms, other than to put people into a comatose state.

Desperate for a surname, Alexis decides that she must get married. She weds Baron Clayton von Van der Meulen, a wealthy industrialist who is 25 years her senior. Before long, Alexis grows to hate her new last name, and instead sets her sights on inheriting Clay's fortune.

She finds an ally in Dr. Jutt Jawbone, who treated her while she was in the hospital. Although their relationship at that time was completely professional, Jutt always admired Alexis' fighting spirit, and the fact that her makeup and hair somehow remained perfect throughout her 30-day coma. Together, they hatch a diabolical plan. Dr. Jawbone, who also happens to be Baron von Van der Muelen's physician, tells Clayton that for medical reasons, he can never remove his suit jacket at work, even while he is sitting behind his desk, working on the elusive "Anderson account." The jacket also must remain buttoned at all times. Eventually, unable to handle the constricting jacket, von Van der Meulen goes insane, and is locked up in an asylum. While there, he encounters his evil twin brother, Clinton, who continues to harbor a grudge against Clayton for stealing his mint condition 1979 Ricky Henderson baseball card. Clinton kills Clayton, and Alexis inherits his millions.

To be clear, I don't believe that FBB's aims are nearly as nefarious as those of the hypothetical Alexis. In fact, she probably means well. However, it's just not working out. The first few days were fine, but now I'm starting to get edgy. I'm tired, irritable, and in general, not on top of my game. I feel like some sort of modern-day Samson, who has been shorn of his source of strength. Perhaps Popeye without his spinach would be a better analogy.

(Speaking of Popeye, to this day, I cannot fathom what he and Brutus saw in the shrill, hideous Olive Oyl. They fought - violently - over this woman?! I consider this to be one of the world's great mysteries. You could stump the Sphinx with that riddle).

I understand that Mormons do not consume any caffeine. How do these people manage? Can you imagine being unable to drink any caffeinated beverages, even while your six wives are all yelling at you at the same time?

Anyway, I'll take this one day at a time, but it certainly isn't getting any easier. However, uncovering the conspiracy against me has definitely given me a nice measure of comfort. Now I think I'll play along with this little game for a while.

Whatever you do, don't tell FBB that I'm wise to her plot.

And if you happen to see my evil twin, tell him to return that sweater he borrowed from me a while ago.