Yesterday, the space shuttle Endeavour (Why do we need to use the British spelling for our space shuttles? Does this give them more gravitas? Are they telling us that the $1.7 billion price tag is not sufficient to make it seem important?) completed its 22nd mission, returning to Earth after a 16-day trip. The mission went rather smoothly, with the exception of one minor glitch at the end. Due to stormy weather in Florida, the shuttle had to land in California, at Edwards Air Force Base.
I've never been a fan of the space program, and have always considered it to be a colossal waste of money. Whenever I point this out to anyone, the argument is always the same. Think of all the scientific and technological advances that have been derived from the space program. My counter-argument is that I still don't believe that these "advances" represent a good return on our investment (ROI). It's pretty interesting, when you think about it. NASA probably employs some of the greatest mathematical minds in this -- or any -- country. Yet, no one in the place seems to be able to put together an ROI calculation. Simply put, the space program is not worth it.
As far as I'm concerned, the only thing we've ever accomplished through the space program occurred almost 40 years ago, when we put a man on the moon. That was an accomplishment, but not for any scientific reason. Rather, it allows people like me to properly express their frustration over any kind of technological or mechanical failing by invoking the lunar landing. As in, "This is ridiculous. We can put a man on the moon, but I can't get decent water pressure in my shower?!"
To some, space exploration remains important, as it can help us learn about the potential existence of intelligent life on other planets. I think that we still need to find more intelligent life on this planet.
Speaking of life on other planets, there are some people who live in great fear of alien visitors. They worry that they will be abducted by aliens, and subjected to all sorts of unfortunate things, including the infamous, highly-invasive "probe." I, however, do not worry about being abducted by aliens, for two reasons:
(1) Based upon the stories I've heard of alleged alien abductions, I'm pretty certain that I don't meet the demographic criteria for potential victims. The aliens appear to have focused their abduction efforts south of the Mason-Dixon line. Specifically, they're interested in redneck guys named Earl, who hang around "back of the mini-mart," spitting tobacco juice and generally minding their own business. I'm not sure why, but this seems pretty consistent. Who knows, perhaps on some other planet, far, far, away, some frustrated being is saying "I don't get it. We can destroy all six moons of Zarkon 9 using only light-emitting weapons, and we can't make a probe that doesn't require a Budweiser catalyst?!"
(2) If aliens ever did abduct me, I'm certain that before long, they'd make me their leader. Hopefully before they got around to the probe. That's not a pleasant experience on any planet.
Rest assured, if this ever did occur, I would not let my new status get to my head. Depending upon the conditions of the planet in question, my reign would be characterized by a benevolent-yet-authoritative style. As to my title, I must say, I've never felt comfortable with names like "king" or "emperor." "His Excellency?" Way over the top. Rather, I think that I would go with a ruling-class nomenclature based upon the 7-11 beverage size hierarchy. For example, members of Congress would be known as "Gulps," members of my cabinet would be referred to as "Big Gulps," and I, as the highest-ranking official, would be known as "Super Gulp." (I am fully aware of the fact that there is an even higher level, that of Double Gulp. However, to give someone the title of "Double Gulp" is just plain silly).
Anyway, I was glad to hear that the latest shuttle mission went off without any problems. Then again, the change in landing spot was possibly quite an inconvenience. I imagine that the following conversation took place on the shuttle, as its crew prepared for re-entry.
Spaceman Bob (on the headset, speaking to Ground Control): What's that? Weather's rough in Florida? You want us to land in California? At Andrews? Okay.
Spaceman Bill: What's up?
Spaceman Bob: That was the Chinese space station. They said that the delivery pod was malfunctioning, so they can't deliver our take-out order. No, I'm just kidding. Actually, it was Ground Control. They said we're going to have to land in California. There's bad weather in Florida.
Spaceman Bill: Oh, okay.
Spaceman Joe (from the back of the shuttle): What? California? You have got to be kidding me!
Spaceman Bob: Yeah, they said the weather's bad in Florida.
Spaceman Joe: Great. Just great.
Spaceman Bill: Dude, what's the big deal? It's easy enough to land this thing at Andrews.
Spaceman Joe: I'll tell you what the big deal is. I parked my car at the long-term lot at the spaceport in Florida. Now, how am I going to get home? (muttering): Stupid NASA.
Yes, readers, our space program. Expensive, inefficient, and at times, incredibly inconvenient.
2 comments:
One of the original justifications for the space program, aside from the need for greater prestige in the world vis a vis the Russians, was that minerals were abundant on some of the other celestial bodies and we wanted the ability to mine these minerals when stocks became short down here.
I just read and article on female astronauts who mentioned that living on the international space station at zero gravity took away the aging look we have here on earth due to gravity and made them look so much better. So don't say we aren't gaining knowledge!!! Maybe one day we will all live in space and then we could all look better without the training an cost to get us up there!
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