Look at the Bright Side. Maybe Obama Won't Be Our President

As the calendar creeps toward 2009, I find myself, like most Americans I suppose, looking forward to next year with guarded optimism. Sure, things look bleak, and it will likely be quite a while before our economy returns to normal. However, downturns don't last forever, and if there's one thing that history has taught us, it's that you can't keep America down for long. Brighter days are ahead.

Or, maybe not.

According to this article , Igor Panarin, a Russian professor, is predicting that the United States will fall apart in 2010. Specifically, he believes:

...that mass immigration, economic decline, and moral degradation will trigger a civil war next fall and the collapse of the dollar. Around the end of June 2010, or early July, he says, the U.S. will break into six pieces -- with Alaska reverting to Russian control.

So there you have it. The Russians are predicting the end of the American Empire. You're familiar with Russia, aren't you? The country that's less stable than the weapons-grade plutonium that about one-quarter of its citizens seem to have in their storage sheds. The place where a civil war of some sort breaks out every time two people disagree over the proper way to spell "Alexei." (Or is it "Aleksei?" "Alexy?" Can I just call you "Alex?"). The nation that doesn't seem to have figured out the need for decent public restrooms.

My personal biases aside, I do have some questions for Professor Panarin, as I prepare for the coming American Apocalypse.

(1) How, exactly, will the 50 states be divided up into the six new countries? Specifically, will New York and Massachusetts be in the same new country? Personally, I'd really love to avoid that. Is there anyone I could speak to about this now?

(2) Which new country will Barack Obama run?

(3) Will travel between the six countries require a passport?

(4) Regarding the three factors you cite as causes of the breakup, mass immigration, economic decline and moral degradation, a couple of questions:

(a) Have these factors already occurred, or are they expected to intensify? In other words, can we expect even more moral degradation? If so, while I'd hate to see the end of America as much as the next guy, you've gotta admit, things could get really interesting over the next 18 months.

(b) Are these three factors inter-related? Should we expect millions of people to show up from other countries, not wearing any pants, thereby causing all of our stores to immediately close?

(5) When Alaska reverts to Russian control, will you drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR)? Oh, wait. Scratch that question. You people already possess around 40% of the world's proven natural gas reserves, but are too stupid/ stubborn/lazy to do anything about exploiting it. Never mind.

(6) Will each new country have its own Olympic team?

(7) Is your comrade, Vladimir (Ras)Putin busy? As the recent U.S. presidential election indicated, we seem to have a real dearth of viable leaders in this country. I can't imagine having to chose six leaders. Just in case, I'd like to send "Ras" a nice "welcome-aboard-now-please-don't-jail-me-for-daring-to-be-successful-while-not-pledging-you-my-undying-support" gift. To which of his residences should I send it? The one in Moscow? New York? London? Paris? St. Moritz? Tuscany?

So many questions. So many things to prepare for.

By the way, those of our readers who reside in my new country (exact name and borders to be determined) are invited to a Labor Day barbecue at my house on September 6, 2010. The rest of you infidels can get your own darn burgers.