I think we'd cure the World's ills if everyone would just read this blog!

I spent a weekend in Chicago recently, and had the opportunity to have some conversations with some girls ( women, really)from Brooklyn. It started off regular enough. We started talking about various ills in society, and I had an inkling that I was barking up the wrong tree, but I plowed ahead with my thoughts anyway. You know, how it doesn't matter if the Kipling bag is $40 instead of $80, the idea is it's a Kipling bag. Why's that bad? Well the way I see it is like this; every class has The Jappies, The Wannabes, The Normals, and The Can't Haves. The Jappies have every brand name: Juicy, Kipling, Burberry, etc. The Wannabes get it too. Then, slowly as the price drops some Normals start to succumb to the pleading of their kids and they get it too. However, I believe that the Normals, those people who others look at happily knowing that they are willing and able to stem the tide of rising Jappiness and materialism, have a responsibility NOT to succumb. I feel these things should NOT be normalized because those few Can't Haves, really can't have it, and there have to be some "Normals" who don't make them feel so left out. They also have to show the Jappies and the Wannabes that not EVERYONE cares about these things. That it's OK to afford things and not get them. So that did not go over so well. I was told that the self esteem of the child was at stake (I didn't say it, but I believe that if the parents wouldn't be so into it the kids would not tie that much of their self worth to it), and also, isn't hypocritical to say no to your kids, if you get it for yourself. So, I said, no. Because if a kid wants a belt that costs 100 bucks, and his father wants it to, that father worked to make that money, understands where it comes from and what it took to get it. When you present a 15 year old boy with a $100 belt I don't think it means quite the same thing. Again, I believe that the importance that's placed on these things by the parents definitely influences the kids.

Well, once the self esteem can of worms was opened there we were. Staring at the gaping abyss one falls down when peering over the edge of children's "happiness." I said something I heard from a therapist friend of mine, which is: we don't need to make our kids happy, we need to give them the tools to make themselves happy.

To me, that means not getting hysterical when your kid comes up with a situation that is tough on him. It means not letting your kid see you make this the be- all and end- all, die on your sword situation. It means not driving your kid to school at 7:30, when it starts at 8:30 to make sure he gets the BEST seat (one of them said she does that on the first day).

I was told no, kids will be disappointed by the world so we need to make sure not to disappoint. I said I believe that disappointment and adversity in a loving environment helps prepare kids for dealing with these things (y'know, real life) more easily. You can't make your kids happy all the time. It's just not possible. You can't make small things into big things (like "ugh the uniform is SOOOOO uncomfortable..." hey, let the kid decide), you can't harp on things, sometimes, as parents, we need to step back. We need to let kids come to us, as much as we are bursting to know what happened after that LOOOOOOOOONG discussion the night before, the kid needs to know that we think they've internalized it, that we had the discussion already and they'll let us know. When we bombard them when they walk in with QUESTIONS! about the topic it just signals them that this is a navel gazing issue that won't go away.

Granted these are all generalities, but parents need to be smarter. Advocate for their kids when needed, let their kids know they have their backs, but not smother them by 'making them happy."

I don't think I did much to convince them of my position, but at least in this instance I feel strongly that I'm right.

And that's the thing. The hardest thing really. Anything can be rationalized. A principle is just a theory until you're tested. But that's a blog for another day.

FBB