Can Anyone Lend Me About $2.6 Billion For A Couple of Weeks?

It just seems as though the weekend can't come too soon for the folks over at Lehman Brothers.
The stock continues to fall, and with a few trading hours still to go, the shares are down about 77% this week.
The Wall Street Journal and others are reporting that CEO Richard Fuld is shopping Lehman to just about anyone who will take his calls, including the firm's major rivals.
I haven't yet been able to substantiate the rumor that Fuld went down the block from Lehman's headquarters in Times Square, and tried to convince the Naked Cowboy to take a stake in the firm.

I am somewhat dismayed by all of the news stories that simply list all of the potential suitors for Lehman, including only the usual suspects, like investment houses, banks, and some large private equity firms. At times like these, I think that it's critical to think "outside the box," and come up with creative solutions.

Currently, Lehman's total market capitalization (current stock price multiplied by the number of shares outstanding) is approximately $2.6 billion. Nowadays, there's a phrase to describe that: "bite-size."

By comparison, the following companies now have larger market caps than Lehman:

Game Stop $6.8B
Abercrombie & Fitch $4.3B
Family Dollar Stores $3.8B
Petsmart $3.4B
Foot Locker $2.7B

The point is, almost anyone can buy this thing now. Allow me to toss out a few suggestions:

(1) Microsoft. Because they can. Probably out of the petty cash drawer.
(2) Berkshire Hathaway (Warren Buffett). This would be classic Buffett. Years ago, he stepped in to rescue Salomon Brothers. He could do the same thing for another venerable investment house now.
(3) The U.S. Government. No, I'm not advocating some sort of a bailout, a la Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac. This recommendation has nothing to do with the Fed or Treasury. Instead, I think that the Department of Defense can buy Lehman, and put their global army of bankers to work tracking down Osama bin Laden. I've worked with Lehman bankers in the past. These guys are very persistent and enthusiastic. They will eventually find bin Laden...and offer him a mortgage, no questions asked.
(4) The New York Yankees. What would be more appropriate than to have one New York institution buy another? Lehman could fit right into the current Yankee culture. Their employees would continue to be paid oodles of money, and wouldn't even have to show up for work all of the time. When they did show up, they'd simply go through their business in a generally uninspired fashion, and not actually, you know, win anything. Then, they can stand around talking about their great, 100+ year winning tradition, even though they haven't accomplished much of anything since the millenium was in its infancy. Heck, in a few years, if they got bored of their building, we'd just build them a new one. Don't worry, the City will pay for most of it.
(5) The people who own the convenience store down the block from my office. $2.50 for a 20 ounce bottle of barely-above-room-temperature Diet Coke?! $1.00 for a medium-sized banana?! $1.00 for a package of 4 (used to be 5. Why don't they say, "New, smaller size!" on the label?) Sunkist fruit gems (no trace of fruit or gems in the package)?! Are you people kidding me? Clearly, these guys have more than enough stash to make this transaction happen. Here's what you do, Chung Li. Mark up your fine selection of "Classic" (i.e. expired three months ago), 4oz. yogurts from $2.75 to $3.00, and you're there.
(6) Me. That's right. Yours truly. Of course, I'd have to borrow about $2,599,999,000 to make this happen, but I'm sure that's do-able. I'm not sure that I'd be able to turn this thing around, but clearly, the people who run the place now don't seem to have the answers. Besides, they've got a really neat headquarters building in Manhattan.

Now, I'm sure that my offer would be met with quite a bit of skepticism, but I want to reassure everyone that I represent a very viable option. First of all, just to show my commitment to the deal, I'd be willing to put up about $1,000 of my own money. You heard that right. I'm not going the fully non-recourse route on you people here, like all of the other guys will. To put it in the Wall Street lingo that these guys can understand, "MBB's going to have some skin in the game." Secondly, I'd make sure to consider the tax implications of any deal. After all, I've got extensive experience in structuring tax-efficient transactions ("Just make the check out to 'cash,' and we'll call it even").

Finally, look at it this way: Anyone can sell (give away) his investment bank to another bank. Only a true visionary can devise - and execute - a solution like the ones I've outlined above. Doing so at a time of utter chaos? Now that's what we call "greatness."

Your move, Mr. Fuld. I can be reached via the comments section of this blog.
Just ask for MBB. They'll know who you're talking about.