The Candy Man Can...For 50% Off

Earlier today, I strolled into a Duane Reade store. For those of you who aren't familiar with Duane Reade, the best way to describe it is as a smaller version of CVS or Walgreens. There are about three million of them in Manhattan. You can't have a construction crane collapse in this city without hitting one. That's not just a saying; it's based on actual occurrences.

Entering the store, I was immediately reminded that Halloween is little more than a month away. The store had display cases and shelves filled with more candy and chocolate than I've ever seen in one place at one time. They had absolutely anything and everything you could imagine.

Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, let me state that I do not celebrate Halloween. Never have. Never will. However, Halloween still means something to me:

Cheap Candy.

Ah, yes. Cheap candy. Cheap, some-idiot-in-the-purchasing-department-at-headquarters-thought-it-would-be-a-good-idea-to-build-up-enough-candy-inventory-to-supply-every-man-woman-and-child-in-the-galaxy-with-all-the-candy-they-could-eat-for-the-next-ten-years-and-now-we-desperately-need-to-get-rid-of-it-to-make-room-for-the-Xmas-decorations candy. Nothing like it.

Within a week after Halloween, this stuff will be selling at half price. By Thanksgiving, it might be marked down by as much as 60%-75%. Come New Year's, and they'll just be tossing it at homeless people. I believe this is why so many of our unfortunate, homeless people also have no teeth.

Interestingly, when I was younger, I didn't have much of a sweet tooth. Nowadays, though, I find that I really like candy. I believe that there is a medical term for this: Late Onset Candy Dependency (LOCD). I like my corn candied and my beans jellied. Yep, I'm probably one of the millions of Americans with LOCD.

So there I was, at Duane Reade, eyeing all the candy and chocolate. I felt like a medieval prince of sorts, surveying his father's kingdom, then saying, to no one in particular, in a really overdramatic tone of voice, "Some day, all of this will be mine." At less than half price.

I walked up and down the aisle, making a mental note of the current, pre-Halloween prices of the candy. This way, when I do come back in about 5 weeks, I'll know just how much I'm saving.

Apparently, it must have looked a bit weird, picking up bags and boxes of candy or chocolate, looking at them and the price label on the shelf, then putting them down again, seemingly without any intent of actually buying anything. The security guard started eyeing me suspiciously, so I moved over to the next aisle, and pretended to browse the liquid soap selection. (That stuff never goes on sale).

Come to think of it, I'm not sure why I allowed myself to be intimidated by this rent-a-cop. He didn't have a weapon of any sort, appeared to be about 70 years of age, wore thick glasses, and walked (perhaps "shuffled" would be a more appropriate term) with a pronounced limp. If push came to shove, I'm pretty sure I could've taken him. Not that push would've come to shove. If he had gotten any closer to me, I'd have said, "Look here, Earl. I don't want no trouble, you dig? Let's keep it nice and simple today. I'm cool. You're cool. All of us here are just hanging out at the Cool Convention." And that would've been that.

When I do come back, after Halloween, I'll definitely be looking for some of my favorite confections. However, when the prices are that good, you just end up buying candy and chocolate you'd never have bought otherwise. (Just ask FBB. It happened to her last year. And the year before that.) Then again, that's not a problem. It's candy; you really can't go wrong.

Well, maybe you can.
There is one item that I know I will not buy, no matter how low its price goes.
It's been blacklisted.

Reese's peanut butter cups.

There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, I just don't like them. Then again, there are plenty of things I don't personally enjoy, but I'd buy them anyway, in case someone in my family likes them.

Not Reese's peanut butter cups.

It's all because of that darned commercial.

About 25 years ago, I think, there was a Reese's peanut butter cup commercial which aimed to demonstrate that chocolate and peanut butter could form a sensible snacking combination. To illustrate this point, the commerical featured two guys walking down the street, in opposite directions, walking towards each other. One guy was munching on a chocolate bar. The other guy was eating peanut butter out of a jar with a spoon. Neither one was watching where he was going, so inevitably, they bumped into each other, causing the chocolate bar to fall into the jar of peanut butter.

The following conversation ensued:

Peanut butter boy: "Hey, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter."
Chocolate bar chap: "Well, you got peanut butter on my chocolate."

After this incredibly witty exchange, chocolate bar dude eats his peanut butter-covered chocolate bar, while peanut butter lad tastes his chocolate-tainted peanut butter. They agree! It's good!

The commercial ends shortly thereafter with a reminder that chocolate and peanut butter, are, in fact, worthy snack collaborators, and that if you didn't immediately buy Reese's peanut butter cups, you were a worthless toad (I probably made that last part up. Or, maybe they said it, subliminally).

Clever commercial, isn't it?

Not in my opinion. In fact, it's ridiculous, hence a blacklisting that has lasted lo these many years.

Here's the problem.

Walking down the street eating a chocolate bar is perfectly acceptable behavior. For all I know, I've probably done it myself once or twice. I honestly can't remember right now.

The thing that's been bothering me for all these years is...

WHO IN HIS OR HER RIGHT MIND WALKS DOWN THE STREET EATING PEANUT BUTTER OUT OF A JAR WITH A SPOON?!?!

Now, I like to consider myself a reasonably worldly, open-minded guy. And I've seen some wacky things in my time. But I've never, EVER seen someone walking down the street eating out of a jar of peanut butter. EVER. Not even in California.

If I ever did see a guy walking down the street eating peanut butter, I'd probably cross the street to avoid him. Or, I'd do this:

I'd wait until he put a spoonful of peanut butter in his mouth, then I'd initiate the following conversation:

Me: "Loser says 'Mwwlmmwlumm.'
Guy with a mouth full of peanut butter: "Mwwlmmwlumm?"

At this point, I'd simply cackle and walk away.

To be clear, I don't think there's anything wrong with eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon. I don't do it, because I happen not to like peanut butter. I've eaten Marshmallow Fluff out of the jar with a spoon. Heck, I've even eaten some jelly out of the jar with a spoon. But, here's the catch. I did it in my kitchen. I've never done it while walking down the street!

If life were to one day imitate art, and I was walking down the street eating a chocolate bar, and I bumped into a guy eating peanut butter out of the jar, causing my chocolate to fall into his peanut butter, and he had the audacity to say "Hey, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter," I'd reply "What kind of idiot walks down the street eating peanut butter?" Then, I'd probably slug him. Unfortunately, if there were cops in the vicinity at the time, I'd probably get arrested for assault and sent to jail. I'd then make the one phone call to which I was entitled, to FBB: "Hey, you're not going to believe this, but some jerk was walking down the street eating peanut butter out of a jar. Anyway, long story short, I need you to bail me out."

Quite possibly, FBB would take her sweet old time getting down to the station, for three reasons:

(1) To give me some time to think about the consequences of what I'd done, and to teach me a lesson.
(2) Because she wouldn't believe that a guy would eat peanut butter while walking down the street, and would just assume that I was pulling some sort of sophomoric prank.
(3) Because we need that bail money for post-Halloween candy.

Let's just say I really hope this never happens.

Anyway, there's tons of other candy and chocolate to buy at Duane Reade after Halloween, so crossing one item off the list won't derail my plans at all.

So have a good day, Earl. Good luck maintaining law and order. You'll be seeing me again soon. When you do, could you please point me in the direction of the store's loading dock or service entrance? My wheelbarrow probably won't fit through the front door.