The other day, FBB politely requested that I resume blogging on at least a semi-regular basis.
While I casually responded with something like, "Sure, I'll see what I can do," it was quite obvious to me that I was being set up.
Clearly, FBB is attempting to force me out of IcebergCarwash, and is going to use my current hypoblogastia (an unfortunate condition characterized by significantly reduced frequency of blog posting) against me.
I did what any rational blogger would do. I called an attorney and an investment banker. We decided that FBB's attempted coup would require me to sell my stake in IcebergCarwash.
The difficulty would lay in finding a buyer who would be willing to pay my price.
I could just sell my 50% stake to FBB, but as an insider, she is well aware of the true value (or lack thereof) of IcebergCarwash. The spread between the bid and offer would be impossibly wide, and the negotiations would be dead-on-arrival.
Another important thing to consider is that when we set up this blog, FBB and I agreed to grant each other a right of first refusal in the case of the sale. Simply put, if either of us wanted to sell his/her stake in IcebergCarwash, he/she would have to first offer to sell that stake to the other at the same price to which it was being offered to the third party. This is pretty standard stuff for blogs which feature a joint ownership structure.
Considering this, perhaps I could simply call in a favor or two, and get someone to make a "stalking horse" bid, designed just to establish a price at which FBB would need to execute her right of first refusal. Then again, it's a "right" of first refusal, not an obligation, so FBB could simply call my bluff, and decline to match the other "offer." In this case, I'd be left with no transaction.
Clearly, I'm going to have to find a real, third-party buyer to take my piece of IcebergCarwash off my hands.
But whom?
It would be great if I had a time machine, and I could go back to 1999, and attempt to sell my stake in IcebergCarwash.blogspot.com. Using the valuation models which prevailed in 1999, just the ".com" piece would be worth approximately $1,500,000,000. I'd then take the proceeds, use one of those off-the-shelf tax shelters that all of the tax advisory firms were selling to their high net worth clients back then, squirrel the money away in the Isle of Man, and get back into my time machine, pausing briefly to short the heck out of the NASDAQ Composite index.
Sounds great, but there are two fundamental problems with that plan:
(1) I do not have a properly-functioning time machine at my disposal.
(2) If I did have a properly-functioning time machine, I'd need to make several stops along the way to 1999.
With any time travel-based plan off the table, I needed to come up with a solution that could work in 2010.
Perhaps I could package my ownership stake in IcebergCarwash into some sort of exotic security, replete with an option and a credit default swap, and sell it to a German bank. These geniuses are willing to buy any U.S.-originated asset-backed security. American bankers might be reckless and greedy, but German bankers are downright dumb. From the commodity trading fiascos of the late 1980s, to the disastrous losses in the U.S. subprime mortgage market of the past few years, the Germans have proven themselves to be completely devoid of any banking or financial skill. Perhaps that's the kind of thing that naturally happens to a society a couple of generations after they murder or expel their entire Jewish population.
Satisfying as it would be to fleece the Fourth Reich (or whatever number they're up to), I soon realized that this option was also not realistic. The German banks do not have the kind of cash they'd need to buy out my stake in IcebergCarwash, having loaned it all to the Greeks and the Irish. ("Hi, Rudolf. Paddy O'Reilly here. Need to borrow about $6 billion 'till next Tuesday. I'm good for it, by Mary and Joseph.")
So that leaves me a bit disappointed, but undeterred. I will continue to attempt to find a purchaser for my half of IcebergCarwash, while fending off FBB's attempts to snatch it away from me via what is sure to be a lowball offer.
In the meantime, feel free to make your best offers, using the comments section.
2 comments:
Unfortunately I am not sure I could come up with a better offer than the lowball FBB will offer you. Not because IceberCarwash isn't worth more it is just that as the Irish (and the Greeks) believe. "Never pay for something you can actually get for free." And its corollary 'never work hard at something, someone else will pay you not to do'!! So you might have to keep slaving away at these blog posts because the public plans to continue to read them with out any effort on their part, and because they have come to expect it as their right. You may have some disaffected youths protesting if you stop blogging!!!
I would offer, but am currently too busy with the six blogs I already have and don't post to.
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