Superdog or Scandalmutt?

Yesterday, at the Westminster Kennel Dog Show in New York, the coveted Best in Show award was won by a 10 year old Sussex spaniel named Stump.

This is huge news. Stump became the oldest dog ever to win Best in Show at Westminster. As Lorne Green would say, "He's 10 years old. That's 70 to you and me."

Stump's feat is amazing. Imagine a 70 year old woman winning the Miss America pageant. Okay, maybe that's overdoing it a bit. Still, it's quite an impressive feat.

Unfortunately, we live in cynical times. So, instead of celebrating Stump's unlikely victory, I find myself wondering:


Has this dog been taking performance-enhancing drugs (PEDs)?


Think about it. This dog is performing at a peak level at an age when most dogs have long since retired. He managed to win Best in Show after being off the competitive show circuit for about four years (that's 28 years to you and me).

Allegations of steroid use in the dog community are not a recent phenomenon. Several years ago, in a tell-all memoir that the canine establishment succesfully kept off the market, well-known party dog Marmaduke vividly described his own drug use, including steroid use. Marmaduke also implicated some of his colleagues. For example, he recalls several occasions when he and Scooby Doo injected each other with steroids. After one such injection, Scooby Doo flew into a " 'roid rage" so severe that he trashed the inside of the Magic Mystery Van.

Still, the possibility that a show dog had used steroids would be big news. Everyone knew that Marmaduke was completely out of control, and that drugs of all types were behind his behavior. Considering how much time Scooby Doo spent hanging out with Shaggy (aka King Stoner), it would have been shocking to learn that he hadn't used drugs. And, we all know that Clifford didn't get to be so big just by working out.

On the other hand, if Stump was juicing, it would mean that the use of steroids in the dog world is much more widespread than we had originally known.

This clearly calls for a congressional hearing. At a minimum, there should be a provision in the economic stimulus bill which sets aside funds to investigate canine steroid use (I'd say that $40 billion should do the trick). Unless, of course, it's already in the bill.

When the hearings take place, I wonder which tactics Stump will employ.

Will he refuse to "talk about the past," like Mark McGwire?

Will he claim that he doesn't speak English, a la Sammy Sosa?

Although any discovery that Stump used performance-enhancing drugs will tarnish his legacy, at least he's got plenty of company.

And, unlike Alex Rodriguez, at least he's actually won a championship.