The Mother of All Stimulus Packages

As Congress and the President continue to work on economic stimulus measures, with the stated goal of having something signed by the middle of this month, I'd like to weigh in with some thoughts on the package, as it currently stands.

(1) As of now, the economic stimulus package carries a total price tag of about $900 billion. I find this to be terribly disappointing. Do our elected representatives mean to tell us that our nation is undeserving of a $1 trillion + package? At the current size, this thing isn't even a "package." It's more like a large envelope.

This is nothing short of an insult. How about offering to buy everyone in the country lunch on every other Wednesday? That should do the trick.

If I were President Obama, I'd have told Congress, "Don't even think about cluttering my desk with a bill that's got fewer than 12 zeroes in it."

C'mon, people, let's shoot for the "Thrill of the Trill." We're still a superpower, aren't we?

Can we deliver a $1 trillion + economic stimulus package? Repeat after me, people:

Yes, we can!

(2) A proposal has been made to subsidize future mortgages by capping the rate at 4.0%, regardless of where the market rate is at that time. While radical, and completely devoid of any economic rationale, that plan does not go far enough, in my opinion. After all, we've been led to believe that the housing crisis must be solved, at any cost. I recommend that the government buy every single one of the millions of new and existing homes that are currently for sale, then give them out via a huge lottery.

(3) If we don't do something soon about the environment, the planet and its inhabitants will cease to exist. However, action is not enough. We need to "think green" and "look green." Towards that end, I recommend a government subsidy on all green-colored clothing items.

(4) There needs to be a provision in this bill which forbids the use of the term "economic stimulus package" in advertising, or for other, generally corny purposes.

For example, the following should be illegal:

"Now, for a limited time, buy one Taco Bell double beef cheesy burrito for $0.99, and get a second one for free! How's that for an economic stimulus package?"

This insidious lack of creativity has already started to creep into the vernacular. It must be stopped before it spreads. The responsible parties are the same people who ended up lining Saddam Hussein's pockets with millions of dollars in royalty payments every time they referred to "the mother of all furniture sales."

(5) Of course, no lasting change can come about if we don't do something about our educational system. Specifically, I think that we need to reduce the overall level of education in our country. Think about it. Thousands of people obtained advanced degrees (MBAs, PhDs), then went to work on Wall Street, where they built incredibly complex financial models, which informed us that we could create, develop, market and invest in all sorts of exotic securities with almost no risk whatsoever. We all know how that one turned out.

As an added service to our loyal readership, here's some advice on what to do if you encounter such an individual at a cocktail party, and he informs you that he's not just a "spreadsheet jockey," he's an "empiricist." Please follow these steps closely.

1. Stare blankly at him for two seconds.
2. Distract him for a moment by pretending to look at something behind him.
3. Kick him as hard as you can between his legs.
4. While he's writhing in pain on the ground, say something snappy like, "Bet your model didn't predict that outcome."
5. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT say anything involving the words "economic," "stimulus" or "package," no matter how tempted you are to do so.

Remember, that's now illegal.