The Idiot's Guide to Life

The New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene created a pamphlet in 2007, that for some reason is only creating a firestorm now. That it's creating a firestorm is not odd. That it took two years to come up, well I guess that's just the pace of city politics.

The pamphlet is called "Take Charge, Take Care: 10 Tips for Safer Use," and is meant to help heroin users use more safely. So aside from tips about getting help and never shooting up alone (lest an addict die if he were to overdose solo, because his other addict friends who are shooting up with him would be sure to put their needles down to come to his aid and call 9-1-1), there are tips on jumping up and down to warm your body so that the veins are easier to find, and a reminder to use all clean materials (listed) and how to properly cook your heroin.

The loudest critic is a drug prosecutor, but oddly, The Esteemed, Democracy Circumventing, Nanny Mayor Of New York City is not bothered by this.

"the health department does have an interest in -- if you're going to do certain things -- to get you to do it as healthily as you possibly can."

Well now. I'd like to see Mayor Mike's reaction to some of his favorite topics. I think his health department should put out a pamphlet on the healthiest way to eat cheeseburgers and doughnuts, and how best to smoke.

Peter Vallone, Jr., who seems to say the right things at the right times, suggests the board of health put out a pamphlet for safely playing in traffic. Not a bad idea, but let's take it one step further.

Some sample guides:

"Be Aware, Have No Fear: A Guide To Safe Armed Robbery."
1)Do surveillance to ensure that the proprietor does not have a weapon
2)Be sure there are no off-duty cops in the store at the time of the robbery
3)Check for cameras

"Take the Bag, Watch the Hag: A Guide to Safely Mugging Women on the Street."
1)Attack only frail old ladies
2)knock her down, so that she cannot chase you or spray you with anything

"Take The Wheel, Drive with Zeal: a Guide to Safe Drag Racing"
1)Be sure your engine can handle the speeds
2)Be sure there are no pedestrians or other motorists on the street

"At a Light, Don't be a Blight; A Guide to Safe Squeegeing"
1)Do not approach the car until it has come to a full stop
2)Know your partner, so that he does not steal from you
3)Wear gloves in the winter to avoid frostbite

New York City: The Capital of the World