The Apes of Wrath

To FBB and the Management of IcebergCarwash, from The League of Monkeys:

We were greatly dismayed to read your recent post (March 30, 2012), which was adorned with the regrettable title “Dance, Monkey Dance.”

We do not take issue with the content of the post itself. We, too, are avid fans of MBB’s work. We support any efforts, however juvenile on their surface, directed at prodding him to more frequently generate a larger number of “entertaining” posts.

Your title, on the other hand, was patently offensive. For years, we have been battling the ravages of speciesism, with an emphasis on the inexplicable relegation of all primates, and monkeys in particular, to second-class citizen status.

It is downright frightening to us that here in the 21st century, in such an otherwise enlightened medium as the Internet, you think nothing of displaying a title which beseeches monkeys to gyrate for your amusement.

Admittedly, monkeys possess far superior dancing skills than those possessed by most humans. However, we cringe every time we hear the phrase “Even a monkey knows…” The notion that we are of lesser intelligence is not only insensitive, it is breathtakingly inaccurate.

Let us use a few examples to prove our point. (We could use many examples, but we realize the need to tailor our message to humans, and your pathetically short attention spans).

• Monkeys preceded human beings in the scientifically important area of space travel.

• Unlike certain humans, monkeys did not think it was a good idea to roll out a massive, flawed universal health care mandate while unemployment was above 9%.

• Monkeys, even those employing the so-called “dartboard method,” have a much better track record at picking stocks and other investments than do the highly-compensated, so-called “expert” humans.

• You have never seen monkeys camping out overnight on the street and lining up to buy an overhyped, overpriced, soon-to-be-obsolete electronic device. (We prefer bananas to apples).

Unfortunately, humans have chosen to base their opinions of monkeys on those of our brethren who are in captivity in zoos and theme park safaris. On the surface, these monkeys do not appear to be very intelligent at all. After all, they spend their time swinging from vines, scratching themselves, making rude noises and flinging fecal matter at each other. However, in their defense, let us state the following:

• In Hollywood, this behavior is referred to as “content.” Watch any reality show for a few minutes if you doubt that.

• While the monkeys’ behavior might seem puzzling, the really inexplicable part is that humans are spending $30 per head to watch it. Which species is really unintelligent?

We cannot be certain whether or not our arguments will be able to sway all humans to our point of view. Either way, we demand that you offer a public apology, on your blog, to all monkeys, and that you cease and desist using such offensive titles in the future. We would hate to get our lawyers involved in this matter; their stunning greed is matched only by their litigious nature. In other words, IcebergCarwash would really hate it.

In the meantime, we join you in fervently wishing for more frequent posts from the hyper-talented MBB. He is truly a national treasure.

Even a human could figure that out.