Cop-Out

Right now in Mishpacha magazine there is a dialogue in the INBOX on the topic of chessed. This was precipitated by  a feature called "words unspoken," in which those who feel they can not say what they would like to say to a specific person or group of people have a forum to do so anonymously and publicly ( as odd as that combination is)

The current topic is those people who feel put upon when they are called to make a meal for a family who has had a new baby or in some other way is in need of assistance in providing hot home cooked meals to a family. The main thrust of the first "words unspoken," was  a woman who is just barely keeping it together herself, hardly managing her kids and workload in and out of the house, and then BOOM! a call to help someone else. Based on what she writes there is ample room for her to actually do what she claims she just absolutely cannot, and her whole premise for upsetting the apple cart of this social construct that gives assistance to those who need it seems dubious)

Some of the responses mentioned much of what I would say,(just say no, it doesn't mean someone shouldn't call you, don't try to be so fancy, whatever you're serving your own family people would be happy to have, don't try to impress, just try to help) and some agreed whole- heartedly with the original piece, banding the "chessed begins at home" banner. One person wrote that smiling at people is also chessed just as teaching your own children to be nice to each other is a chessed.

Bah! That's what I say to that.

Those are very nice things, but a family tends to be a unit. So if all one's chessed is directed internally it is not the same  "giving" to another person. It does not teach you to get past yourself, and put others first. It does not help you to realize that you and yours are not the only people in the world. Why do these things matter? Because they paint your dealings in other aspects of your life. If other people are never the recipients of your kindness, and you keep that all within your home, then that's the outlook you will have to the whole world. Then you will be the one who is completely self focused while driving (why would  I pull in to this CIRCULAR driveway to drop off my passenger, when I want to quickly move on? I will make everyone on this busy road wait while I drop my passenger off in the MIDDLE of the street, MY time is very precious don't you know), in the supermarket, and in all your dealings in life.

That doesn't mean one needs to be constantly giving their time, cooking, or volunteering. It just means people should get over themselves and sometimes do things that are not so simple, or even easy for them. Sometimes it can even be something that doesn't seem like a chessed, but is because it's outside your immediate comfort zone.  Obviously, if one really can't keep it together at home, they should not be helping others in THAT way, but there are ways people can help that go beyond their own four walls.Plenty of organizations will be happy to have any help they can get, and telling people to feel bad about who they call is ridiculous. If we can't rely on people to help each other, and are made to feel guilty just for asking, then we are in worse shape than we thought.

If chessed begins at home, then do a chessed to your family and politely decline, and ask not to be called again for a while. Don't ruin it for the recipients of the help, and don't ruin it for the people asking, it's hard enough as it is, now they have to feel BAD every time they pick up the phone.

One of the letters quoted (I think) Rabbi Krohn:

"Chessed begins at home, but it doesn't end there."