Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the way we parent today. Thinking, and talking it over. Specifically I think about the way we parent in comparison with the way we were parented. More specifically, I wonder about the things we worry about, and why our parents did not need to worry about them. Even more specifically I'm talking about adherence to Torah and Mitzvos.
Parents today, very often, in the words of my sister "parent from fear." I think she may have heard that at a speech one day, but it really struck a nerve with me. Why do we act in a way that makes them feel that they are "bad," and will always choose the worst choice when faced with a situation where they need to decide how to proceed. Not only that, but if they choose wrong once, they have condemned themselves to a life of Slurpees at two am in the parking lot at 7-11 (in this town anyway).
Are the challenges today different from those of our parents? Yes. Does the internet pose an allure that once that door is opened can be hard to close? Yes. But some of these challenges are of our own making. I am not saying that in order to stem the tide of kids throwing off the "ways of their fathers" one should steep them in American culture. But maybe the problem is that NOTHING is ok, and once a kid dips his toe in forbidden waters, he feels socially and familialy like he is completely lost.
Maybe the problem is there is so much focus on these outer trappings of frumkeit, and what I have called in the past "public displays of frumkeit," wherein you MUST go to the big asifa, or MUST join the latest ban, and at home the kids see no love in the Avodah. It would stand to reason that one who shies away from non Jewish culture is more likely to be closer to Hashem, but can there be levels of closeness as opposed to absolutes? Does distracting one's self with non-Jewish pursuits (entertainment) automatically mean a rejection of Torah? No, it doesn't, but so many parents feel that it may. The crazy part is, many of these parents did these things when they were young. Does that mean that it's the same today? Not at all, but it also doesn't mean your kid is lost. Is it more of a bucking of societal norms if a kid is (for lack of a better word) less "yeshivish?" I am not sure. The outer trappings of society seem to indicate more "yeshivishness," but I don't know that we are really living that way. There are very erlich people out there, but there are also many who are not.
I wish I had answers, because I have so many questions. We do, as a generation, parent from fear, coupled with many parents obsessed with their kids being happy. A little off if this is the guiding prnciple of parenthood, as a friend of mine once put it: "we don't need to make our kids happy, we have to give them the tools to make themselves happy." We need to teach them to adapt, to sway with the ups and downs of life. But this need to "make kids happy"- what if that was spilling over to religious observance, what if any small thing that a kid found uncomfortable or hard, parents rushed to try to find a way around. Or even sympathized to a point at which the mesorah became diminished in the eyes of the child?
I think that because of this we've become a society of shelterers. And we have decided, if you read the Jewish publications, that not only should we shelter from those things we feel will have a negative impact on our religious life, but also things that will shatter the Pollyanna version of life on this earth. G-d created the hardship as well as the good, pretending it doesn't exist does not give our children the tools to deal with it when confronted with it in real life.
Maybe too many parents are so afraid that they hide who they were or things they did. If kids think they were this way always, then they see no growth, and no potential for themselves if they are interested by these things. Being honest with them about things that have changed, and things that are out there is probably fraught with less peril then trying to protect them from knowing about anything. If we are going to live in a non-Jewish society, and work and avail ourselves of the consumer opportunities and technological advances that this entails, then we are unlikely going to be able to protect them from knowing or wanting to know more about the secular world and its amusements.
Do we live in a time where the culture is dangerous and pervasive, catering to the most negative and base of human traits and frailties? Absolutely. Must we teach our kids the right path, and what needs to be rejected and what we must embrace? Definitely. I just don't think that assuming they will run from our beautiful Mesorah, if we show them how beautiful it is, and how much we love it, and love them, should be the overwhelming principle of parenting.
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