Smokey Nos

Last night we were out with my brother and sister in law. As readers of the Yated they informed us there was an alleged Kol Koreh from many Rabbonim saying that boys should get married at 18.

Married at 18? A father at 19?I would not want an 18 year old to attempt to be a husband to my daughters. An 18 year old boy? Seriously. It would be very simple. We would become (which in a lot of ways we have already) like the Chassidim, where being married means not being independent at all, going to parents every Shabbos, and most nights of the week for supper.

It really is the natural progression for the way we live our lives. Children have no responsibility, need to be happy and coddled all the time, and the boys, well they get extra coddling. After all, they get up early to go to Minyan, and they have very few days off, and always need to be learning. The off shoot of that is extra coddling and little responsibility when they come home. This ties in with the idea of parenting from fear, if we don't make the admittedly hard schedule easier for them, then they may not want to stay in learning.

How about that. We have an opportunity to separate the wheat from the chaff in a system that is upside down and haywire, but most parents aren't willing to do it. If a kid loves learning he will learn, and keep to his schedule, and participate in household chores when he is it at home. You know, like real life when he gets married. And if we are going to marry them off at 18, then you're darn-tootin' this is something to start in High School.

Though it's not likely to work.

Guys today are getting married as young as 21, and their heads are so full of how great they are, and how everyone must be machshiv them (including baking them cookies), that they cannot think beyond themselves. They have been so coddled that when they marry a girl who has a great job, or is great at it, it matters not. They are moving where THEY can learn better, regardless of the long term effects this will have. Girls can leave a well paying job for a lousy one, or commute, or leave a teaching job they are GOOD at so that a guy can learn in Lakewood. Teachers are a dime a dozen in Lakewood, those jobs are hard to come by. So one girl who is a fantastic teacher is now a secretary in an office in Lakewood.  In that case the pay scale is the same, but for the girls who give up well paying jobs to move elsewhere why not make some good money before the bills, and the kids really start coming?

Which brings up another issue. How dare these girls leave their teaching jobs in the middle of the year because their new husbands want to learn somewhere else. Teaching is more than a job, and when dealing with children yo have a responsibility that goes beyond showing up for three hours a day. The Torah is timeless, and placeless, and can be learned and is everywhere. S why does all the scarifice for Kollel seem to be on  the women? They give up good jobs, and commute, and get paid less so they can work harder and eventually leave their kids for longer.

Where is the sacrifice from the men? Yes, they are learning, and yes it is hard to keep up the fire and it's hard to sit and learn, but earning a living is hard too, and I do not believe the sacrifice is the learning.

Obviously this all generalizations, there are individuals always who will be truer or stronger in what they are doing, and men who will sacrifice.

Just not at 18.