The Copenhagen Solution

Rejoice, my fellow humans!

Soon, our parched lips will be moistened by a life-affirming sip from our Cup of Salvation!

In other words, the United Nations' Climate Change Conference has begun in Copenhagen, Denmark.

Surely, you've heard about this Conference, a gathering of our most brilliant minds, who will set out to cure our planet's sundry ills. A veritable intellectual smorgasbord, featuring politicians, "scientists," and bored elitists, who primarily define "human suffering" as instances when the Chianti is not chilled to the proper temperature.

Oh, the thrill of sharing a scientific classification with such Superhumans!

Without question, the delegates to this conference have plenty of items on their agenda. They need to fix the Planet, properly blame and punish Man, fetch a cocktail or three, and get to the buffet before the line gets too long. Just typing that last sentence tired me out. I can't imagine actually doing all of that work.

However, I need to add to your already-ambitious agenda, oh Protectors of the Planet. As many have said, this conference represents humankind's last chance. As such, I need to add the following items, representing my personal environmental concerns, to the list of Problems for which you must find Solutions.

(1) I've lived in my current home for nearly 11 years, and there are still significantly-sized bald patches in my front lawn. If you people can figure out how to make grass grow in those areas, I'd be much obliged.

(2) In addition, from time to time, I find empty soda cans or food wrappers on my front lawn. This angers me greatly, and I often think violent thoughts, until I remember than I'm a post-confrontational neo-pacifist. Got any ideas? I was thinking of proposing the eradication of the human race, but that seems so bourgeoisie.

(3) I'm not sure how this happened, but over the past several months, my bedroom closet has become embarrassingly cluttered. It's a bit of an eyesore. Do you have someone who could assist me with this?

(4) I'm having a devil of a time removing any oil-based stains from my cotton shirts. Any pointers?

(5) I've been hearing about the rapidly disappearing polar ice cap, and to be honest, perhaps I haven't taken it seriously enough. Well now, the issue is hitting closer to home. For the past three days, the ice dispenser on the soda fountain at the local 7-11 has been out of order. That's right, Bjorn, I said THREE DAYS. The soda is still cold, but not cold enough. I can certainly tell the difference. Unlike the "climate change" you're trying to stop, the change in soda temperature is statistically significant, and there's a clearly established causal relationship between the broken ice dispenser and the lower soda temperature. Simply put, SODA WARMING IS THE SINGLE GREATEST THREAT FACING MANKIND TODAY. Or at least, me. How about sending someone over with a socket wrench to fix that thing, pronto?

Oh, and don't forget to bring me some Danish.