Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the way we parent today. Thinking, and talking it over. Specifically I think about the way we parent in comparison with the way we were parented. More specifically, I wonder about the things we worry about, and why our parents did not need to worry about them. Even more specifically I'm talking about adherence to Torah and Mitzvos.
Parents today, very often, in the words of my sister "parent from fear." I think she may have heard that at a speech one day, but it really struck a nerve with me. Why do we act in a way that makes them feel that they are "bad," and will always choose the worst choice when faced with a situation where they need to decide how to proceed. Not only that, but if they choose wrong once, they have condemned themselves to a life of Slurpees at two am in the parking lot at 7-11 (in this town anyway).
Are the challenges today different from those of our parents? Yes. Does the internet pose an allure that once that door is opened can be hard to close? Yes. But some of these challenges are of our own making. I am not saying that in order to stem the tide of kids throwing off the "ways of their fathers" one should steep them in American culture. But maybe the problem is that NOTHING is ok, and once a kid dips his toe in forbidden waters, he feels socially and familialy like he is completely lost.
Maybe the problem is there is so much focus on these outer trappings of frumkeit, and what I have called in the past "public displays of frumkeit," wherein you MUST go to the big asifa, or MUST join the latest ban, and at home the kids see no love in the Avodah. It would stand to reason that one who shies away from non Jewish culture is more likely to be closer to Hashem, but can there be levels of closeness as opposed to absolutes? Does distracting one's self with non-Jewish pursuits (entertainment) automatically mean a rejection of Torah? No, it doesn't, but so many parents feel that it may. The crazy part is, many of these parents did these things when they were young. Does that mean that it's the same today? Not at all, but it also doesn't mean your kid is lost. Is it more of a bucking of societal norms if a kid is (for lack of a better word) less "yeshivish?" I am not sure. The outer trappings of society seem to indicate more "yeshivishness," but I don't know that we are really living that way. There are very erlich people out there, but there are also many who are not.
I wish I had answers, because I have so many questions. We do, as a generation, parent from fear, coupled with many parents obsessed with their kids being happy. A little off if this is the guiding prnciple of parenthood, as a friend of mine once put it: "we don't need to make our kids happy, we have to give them the tools to make themselves happy." We need to teach them to adapt, to sway with the ups and downs of life. But this need to "make kids happy"- what if that was spilling over to religious observance, what if any small thing that a kid found uncomfortable or hard, parents rushed to try to find a way around. Or even sympathized to a point at which the mesorah became diminished in the eyes of the child?
I think that because of this we've become a society of shelterers. And we have decided, if you read the Jewish publications, that not only should we shelter from those things we feel will have a negative impact on our religious life, but also things that will shatter the Pollyanna version of life on this earth. G-d created the hardship as well as the good, pretending it doesn't exist does not give our children the tools to deal with it when confronted with it in real life.
Maybe too many parents are so afraid that they hide who they were or things they did. If kids think they were this way always, then they see no growth, and no potential for themselves if they are interested by these things. Being honest with them about things that have changed, and things that are out there is probably fraught with less peril then trying to protect them from knowing about anything. If we are going to live in a non-Jewish society, and work and avail ourselves of the consumer opportunities and technological advances that this entails, then we are unlikely going to be able to protect them from knowing or wanting to know more about the secular world and its amusements.
Do we live in a time where the culture is dangerous and pervasive, catering to the most negative and base of human traits and frailties? Absolutely. Must we teach our kids the right path, and what needs to be rejected and what we must embrace? Definitely. I just don't think that assuming they will run from our beautiful Mesorah, if we show them how beautiful it is, and how much we love it, and love them, should be the overwhelming principle of parenting.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
That Won't Get You Clean
Let just start off with a warning: the following contains subject matter that may be somewhat off-putting to those with more delicate sensibilities..
It's actual inevitable (well, not really, I am just making it so)that a blogger with children will eventually get around to blogging about...poop.
Tonight I put my sweet little man (almost ten months old) into his little tub. He cried for a moment, and then put himself into a position wherein his chin was hanging almost over the edge, and he looked relaxed. Very relaxed. So relaxed that as I got the soap in my hand to wash him, I saw why he looked so content. Let's just say I needed to get him out of there quickly, the floating pieces not something I'd want him to bathe in. I yanked him out, rinsed him off in the sink, and gave up on the bath (no I did not wash his hair, those "long flowing locks" would have to wait to be washed). He thought this all the height of hysteria and smiled and giggled throughout. After everything was bleached and cleaned (the tub, etc, not the baby), I was reminded of another bath time mishap with another child.
She must have been about two years old. She got in the tub, and after about two minutes, I noticed an object floating along with the rubber duckies. Out she came, the tub was drained and cleaned with Comet, rinsed, and I let the water in again. I may have even sat her on the toilet (not that she was trained, but she needed to be somewhere "safe").
New water, in she went, two minutes passed, and another object floating around. Out she came, drainage, Comet, rinse. I felt she needed to be washed, so I let the water in again. She stood there watching as the water filled up. I turned off the tub, and as I was about to lift her in, she urinated on the floor.
I laughed uncontrollably. She couldn't do THAT in the tub???????
It's actual inevitable (well, not really, I am just making it so)that a blogger with children will eventually get around to blogging about...poop.
Tonight I put my sweet little man (almost ten months old) into his little tub. He cried for a moment, and then put himself into a position wherein his chin was hanging almost over the edge, and he looked relaxed. Very relaxed. So relaxed that as I got the soap in my hand to wash him, I saw why he looked so content. Let's just say I needed to get him out of there quickly, the floating pieces not something I'd want him to bathe in. I yanked him out, rinsed him off in the sink, and gave up on the bath (no I did not wash his hair, those "long flowing locks" would have to wait to be washed). He thought this all the height of hysteria and smiled and giggled throughout. After everything was bleached and cleaned (the tub, etc, not the baby), I was reminded of another bath time mishap with another child.
She must have been about two years old. She got in the tub, and after about two minutes, I noticed an object floating along with the rubber duckies. Out she came, the tub was drained and cleaned with Comet, rinsed, and I let the water in again. I may have even sat her on the toilet (not that she was trained, but she needed to be somewhere "safe").
New water, in she went, two minutes passed, and another object floating around. Out she came, drainage, Comet, rinse. I felt she needed to be washed, so I let the water in again. She stood there watching as the water filled up. I turned off the tub, and as I was about to lift her in, she urinated on the floor.
I laughed uncontrollably. She couldn't do THAT in the tub???????
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Uncle Harvey....
Dear World,
There is a phrase that seems to be making a comeback that grates on my nerves so badly that I think if I hear it again I will possibly crack my teeth or potentially even break my jaw from clenching them so hard. It puts me so on edge, and tonight I figured out why.
I was speaking to my daughter and she said something that was not the offending phrase, but the words were so eerily similar to that maxim of misery, that I finally understood why I hate it so much.
What is this calamitous catchphrase?
"It's All Good."
I loathe this locution. Firstly, it is mostly untrue. But what I learned tonight is that it is used to avoid having to judge anything. Really though, for society to work and to be able to maintain a civil and moral way of life people need to judge. They need not necessarily condemn other people to the outer edges of life, they need not discard other people, but if we don't judge- and by that I mean we do not weigh the actions of others against a set of behaviors we consider appropriate-if everything is "good" and there are no value judgments, well then there are problems.
Is man good or evil? Neither, he is swayed by both, but man is very swayed by the opinion of others, and if things are deemed unacceptable, then those negative behaviors are more likely to be stopped, or at least not become the norm. Is this a double edged sword in which goodness can also be judged, and thereby attacked? Absolutely. Yet, a world of "It's all good," is a world of moral relativity, it's a world where whims of man take on more weight then they should.
There are those who may argue they say this when referring to frustrating moments in their lives, moments when they need to remind themselves that there is a Creator who is looking out for us, even if we do not always see the goodness in His ways, we know that they are good. Absolutely, I believe that, but I honestly do NOT believe that this expression is trying to convey this lofty idea.
So please, please, please-stop using this.
My dentist is rooting against me on this one.
There is a phrase that seems to be making a comeback that grates on my nerves so badly that I think if I hear it again I will possibly crack my teeth or potentially even break my jaw from clenching them so hard. It puts me so on edge, and tonight I figured out why.
I was speaking to my daughter and she said something that was not the offending phrase, but the words were so eerily similar to that maxim of misery, that I finally understood why I hate it so much.
What is this calamitous catchphrase?
"It's All Good."
I loathe this locution. Firstly, it is mostly untrue. But what I learned tonight is that it is used to avoid having to judge anything. Really though, for society to work and to be able to maintain a civil and moral way of life people need to judge. They need not necessarily condemn other people to the outer edges of life, they need not discard other people, but if we don't judge- and by that I mean we do not weigh the actions of others against a set of behaviors we consider appropriate-if everything is "good" and there are no value judgments, well then there are problems.
Is man good or evil? Neither, he is swayed by both, but man is very swayed by the opinion of others, and if things are deemed unacceptable, then those negative behaviors are more likely to be stopped, or at least not become the norm. Is this a double edged sword in which goodness can also be judged, and thereby attacked? Absolutely. Yet, a world of "It's all good," is a world of moral relativity, it's a world where whims of man take on more weight then they should.
There are those who may argue they say this when referring to frustrating moments in their lives, moments when they need to remind themselves that there is a Creator who is looking out for us, even if we do not always see the goodness in His ways, we know that they are good. Absolutely, I believe that, but I honestly do NOT believe that this expression is trying to convey this lofty idea.
So please, please, please-stop using this.
My dentist is rooting against me on this one.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Soda Wars
As an avid consumer of soft drinks, I've always taken an interest in the business side of soda. Therefore, it was with a good deal of interest that I reviewed Beverage-Digest's Top 10 CSD (carbonated soft drinks) list for 2010 when it was released last week.
Here are the top 10, based upon unit sales volumes:
(1) Coke
(2) Diet Coke
(3) Pepsi Cola
(4) Mountain Dew
(5) Dr. Pepper
(6) Sprite
(7) Diet Pepsi
(8) Diet Mountain Dew
(9) Diet Dr. Pepper
(10)Fanta
A few interesting points:
* Diet Coke overtook (regular) Pepsi Cola as the #2 brand for the first time.
* Both Diet Mountain Dew and Diet Dr. Pepper increased by more than 5% over 2009's levels, which is considered a very large increase for a mature brand. Incidentally, both of these drinks contain caffeine.
* Overall, Diet drinks made up over 30% of total carbonated soft drink sales, which is a new high.
* The top 10 brands combined for a 65% share of the overall market.
* In terms of overall company rankings, Coca Cola remained #1, with a 42% market share. PepsiCo was second, with a 29.3% share.
* Energy drink sales continue to grow at a substantially higher rate than the rest of the industry's volumes. Red Bull and Rockstar grew total volumes by 13% and 19%, respectively.
* The overall U.S. carbonated soft drink business declined 0.5%. This category last grew in 2004, and overall sales are back to where they were in 1996. Obviously, given the country's population increase over the past decade and a half, per capita consumption of carbonated soft drinks is lower than it has been in a long time.
Putting some of this information together, I conclude (perhaps erroneously, but then again, I'm not being paid for my analysis) that in general, the soft drink-consuming public is moving away from sugar, and towards caffeine.
It will be interesting to see whether or not this trend towards diet drinks intensifies if certain municipalities (like New York City) implement a tax on sugary soft drinks.
Hopefully, we'll never find out.
In the meantime, I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who is consuming caffeine.
Then again, I might have single-handedly pushed Diet Coke past Pepsi-Cola into the #2 spot.
That should be good for a free soda or two, shouldn't it?
Here are the top 10, based upon unit sales volumes:
(1) Coke
(2) Diet Coke
(3) Pepsi Cola
(4) Mountain Dew
(5) Dr. Pepper
(6) Sprite
(7) Diet Pepsi
(8) Diet Mountain Dew
(9) Diet Dr. Pepper
(10)Fanta
A few interesting points:
* Diet Coke overtook (regular) Pepsi Cola as the #2 brand for the first time.
* Both Diet Mountain Dew and Diet Dr. Pepper increased by more than 5% over 2009's levels, which is considered a very large increase for a mature brand. Incidentally, both of these drinks contain caffeine.
* Overall, Diet drinks made up over 30% of total carbonated soft drink sales, which is a new high.
* The top 10 brands combined for a 65% share of the overall market.
* In terms of overall company rankings, Coca Cola remained #1, with a 42% market share. PepsiCo was second, with a 29.3% share.
* Energy drink sales continue to grow at a substantially higher rate than the rest of the industry's volumes. Red Bull and Rockstar grew total volumes by 13% and 19%, respectively.
* The overall U.S. carbonated soft drink business declined 0.5%. This category last grew in 2004, and overall sales are back to where they were in 1996. Obviously, given the country's population increase over the past decade and a half, per capita consumption of carbonated soft drinks is lower than it has been in a long time.
Putting some of this information together, I conclude (perhaps erroneously, but then again, I'm not being paid for my analysis) that in general, the soft drink-consuming public is moving away from sugar, and towards caffeine.
It will be interesting to see whether or not this trend towards diet drinks intensifies if certain municipalities (like New York City) implement a tax on sugary soft drinks.
Hopefully, we'll never find out.
In the meantime, I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who is consuming caffeine.
Then again, I might have single-handedly pushed Diet Coke past Pepsi-Cola into the #2 spot.
That should be good for a free soda or two, shouldn't it?
Monday, March 14, 2011
A Purim Tale: Part I
As the holiday of Purim approaches, IcebergCarwash is pleased to bring you a somewhat modernized version of the Purim story, presented in seven installments, the first of which is presented in this post, with subsequent installments presented consecutively below:
And it was in the days of Ahasueres, a mighty king, whose dominion covered nearly all of the inhabited world, and who possessed an investment portfolio to match. After one particularly profitable year, during which the king’s portfolio handily beat all of its benchmarks, he made a lavish holiday party for all of his portfolio managers, traders, analysts, and the entire back office staff. He invited representatives of the regulatory agencies as well, just to stay in their good graces. For a period of 180 days, spanning the entire football season, and the majority of the baseball, basketball and hockey seasons, the king entertained party goers with his unparalleled collection of season tickets. The VIPs were granted access to the king’s luxury suites at these events. Needless to say, the alcohol flowed ceaselessly for the entirety of the 180 day party. Sure, it was highway robbery to charge $10 for a cup of watered down stadium swill, but with the king picking up the tab, who really cared? Attendees drank to their heart’s content, and the king’s popularity ratings hit an all-time high.
Unfortunately, the king’s wife, Queen Vashti, was not impressed by his investment returns. For one thing, the king had merely served as an investor. The actual decision-making was made by his vast army of money managers. The king had not made a single buy or sell decision all year. If anything, Queen Vashti had been much more directly involved than her husband in choosing the money managers. Why, the king had not even made an overall asset allocation decision for the portfolio! Queen Vashti doubted that he even knew how to use the asset allocation software that one of his people had developed.
Flush with the success of his portfolio, the king became a sought-after “expert” on investment matters. He was a frequent guest on financial TV and radio shows. As the 180-day party was winding down, he decided to host an investor conference for finance professionals located in the capital city of Shushan. The king himself would serve as the keynote speaker at this conference, dispensing his sage advice.
The investor conference was well-attended, probably more for the free food, wine and giveaways than for the pearls of wisdom the attendees would glean from the various speakers. As the king’s keynote address approached, he decided to put together a panel discussion for the Q&A session which would follow his speech. Naturally, he asked Queen Vashti to chair the panel. She was a knowledgeable panelist, and her inclusion in the proceedings would allow the king to show off his wife’s admirable financial acumen.
When she learned of the king’s request, Queen Vashti was incensed. “A panelist, is that all I’m good for?” she fumed. “He won’t even allow me to give a presentation? When I met him, his "investment research" involved hanging out at the racetrack, looking for tips, and now he's an expert?” Queen Vashti flatly refused the king’s request, going so far as to sign up as an attendee at a small-cap biotechnology stock conference, held at a small, out-of-the-way facility. To ensure that she would be unavailable for the king’s conference, she arrived at her conference a day early, which allowed her to participate in the pre-conference festivities, such as the “best ball” golf tournament. Her team finished fourth, which was considered a decent showing.
Upon hearing that Queen Vashti would not be attending his conference, much less chairing a panel discussion, the king became enraged (although he did seem mildly impressed by her team’s fourth-place finish in the “best ball” tournament). He gathered his seven closest financial advisors, and asked them what to do.
Now, most of these advisors were “low beta” types, who hated to take risks, financial or political. These guys didn’t look for alpha, they hid from it. Not surprisingly, they didn’t really have any solid suggestions for the king. One manager, though, a fellow by the name of Memukan, was more than happy to chime in. Memukan had a real bone to pick with the Queen. The Queen was no saint, and Memukan knew it. As the key decision-maker for the king when it came to choosing specific money managers to invest the king’s money, she had been running a pay-for-play scam for years. Even that particular process was not even-handed. Despite the fact that his firm had paid a substantial amount of graft to the Queen, they had never been entrusted with more than a token amount of the king’s assets. Memukan was determined to receive a substantially larger allocation for his fund, and the dramatically increased fees and prestige that would result, and now he had his chance.
“Your Highness should immediately remove Queen Vashti from her position on the king’s Investment Committee,” stated Memukan. “In fact, I recommend that she lose her license entirely, and be permanently barred from the investment industry in each of the 127 countries over which Your Highness so splendidly rules.”
Memukan’s words resonated with the fuming king. Who did Vashti think she was, anyway? He was the king, so it was his portfolio they were managing, not hers. And, if he wanted to put together a conference, it was her duty to not only attend, but to also participate in the manner which he requested. Besides, despite her obvious talents as a portfolio manager, Vashti had proven completely incapable of managing tail risk. Memukan’s recommendation was invoked, and the Queen was thusly banished forever. For good measure, the king implemented a decree, which stated that from that day forward, in matters pertaining to the investment of household funds, men would have the final say over their wives, in the event of a dispute.
And it was in the days of Ahasueres, a mighty king, whose dominion covered nearly all of the inhabited world, and who possessed an investment portfolio to match. After one particularly profitable year, during which the king’s portfolio handily beat all of its benchmarks, he made a lavish holiday party for all of his portfolio managers, traders, analysts, and the entire back office staff. He invited representatives of the regulatory agencies as well, just to stay in their good graces. For a period of 180 days, spanning the entire football season, and the majority of the baseball, basketball and hockey seasons, the king entertained party goers with his unparalleled collection of season tickets. The VIPs were granted access to the king’s luxury suites at these events. Needless to say, the alcohol flowed ceaselessly for the entirety of the 180 day party. Sure, it was highway robbery to charge $10 for a cup of watered down stadium swill, but with the king picking up the tab, who really cared? Attendees drank to their heart’s content, and the king’s popularity ratings hit an all-time high.
Unfortunately, the king’s wife, Queen Vashti, was not impressed by his investment returns. For one thing, the king had merely served as an investor. The actual decision-making was made by his vast army of money managers. The king had not made a single buy or sell decision all year. If anything, Queen Vashti had been much more directly involved than her husband in choosing the money managers. Why, the king had not even made an overall asset allocation decision for the portfolio! Queen Vashti doubted that he even knew how to use the asset allocation software that one of his people had developed.
Flush with the success of his portfolio, the king became a sought-after “expert” on investment matters. He was a frequent guest on financial TV and radio shows. As the 180-day party was winding down, he decided to host an investor conference for finance professionals located in the capital city of Shushan. The king himself would serve as the keynote speaker at this conference, dispensing his sage advice.
The investor conference was well-attended, probably more for the free food, wine and giveaways than for the pearls of wisdom the attendees would glean from the various speakers. As the king’s keynote address approached, he decided to put together a panel discussion for the Q&A session which would follow his speech. Naturally, he asked Queen Vashti to chair the panel. She was a knowledgeable panelist, and her inclusion in the proceedings would allow the king to show off his wife’s admirable financial acumen.
When she learned of the king’s request, Queen Vashti was incensed. “A panelist, is that all I’m good for?” she fumed. “He won’t even allow me to give a presentation? When I met him, his "investment research" involved hanging out at the racetrack, looking for tips, and now he's an expert?” Queen Vashti flatly refused the king’s request, going so far as to sign up as an attendee at a small-cap biotechnology stock conference, held at a small, out-of-the-way facility. To ensure that she would be unavailable for the king’s conference, she arrived at her conference a day early, which allowed her to participate in the pre-conference festivities, such as the “best ball” golf tournament. Her team finished fourth, which was considered a decent showing.
Upon hearing that Queen Vashti would not be attending his conference, much less chairing a panel discussion, the king became enraged (although he did seem mildly impressed by her team’s fourth-place finish in the “best ball” tournament). He gathered his seven closest financial advisors, and asked them what to do.
Now, most of these advisors were “low beta” types, who hated to take risks, financial or political. These guys didn’t look for alpha, they hid from it. Not surprisingly, they didn’t really have any solid suggestions for the king. One manager, though, a fellow by the name of Memukan, was more than happy to chime in. Memukan had a real bone to pick with the Queen. The Queen was no saint, and Memukan knew it. As the key decision-maker for the king when it came to choosing specific money managers to invest the king’s money, she had been running a pay-for-play scam for years. Even that particular process was not even-handed. Despite the fact that his firm had paid a substantial amount of graft to the Queen, they had never been entrusted with more than a token amount of the king’s assets. Memukan was determined to receive a substantially larger allocation for his fund, and the dramatically increased fees and prestige that would result, and now he had his chance.
“Your Highness should immediately remove Queen Vashti from her position on the king’s Investment Committee,” stated Memukan. “In fact, I recommend that she lose her license entirely, and be permanently barred from the investment industry in each of the 127 countries over which Your Highness so splendidly rules.”
Memukan’s words resonated with the fuming king. Who did Vashti think she was, anyway? He was the king, so it was his portfolio they were managing, not hers. And, if he wanted to put together a conference, it was her duty to not only attend, but to also participate in the manner which he requested. Besides, despite her obvious talents as a portfolio manager, Vashti had proven completely incapable of managing tail risk. Memukan’s recommendation was invoked, and the Queen was thusly banished forever. For good measure, the king implemented a decree, which stated that from that day forward, in matters pertaining to the investment of household funds, men would have the final say over their wives, in the event of a dispute.
A Purim Tale: Part II
The Story So Far: King Ahasueres dismisses the insubordinate Queen Vashti from her post as the head of his Investment Committee, and bans her for life from the securities industry.
After a while, the king’s investment fortunes began to change for the worse. Amid general market weakness, his portfolio sagged, and underperformed even the anemic general market benchmarks. He and his army of financial advisors and portfolio managers had seemingly lost their touch. One day, while preparing to ring the opening bell at the Shushan Stock Exchange, in commemoration of one event or the other, the king’s thoughts turned to his deposed queen. He remembered Vashti and the positive influence she had on his portfolio, and missed her well thought-out asset allocation decisions, and her ability to gain a quick, thorough understanding of even the most exotic securities. Unfortunately, there would be no bringing her back now. Vashti was damaged goods, and even if he could get her reinstated by the authorities, her return would bring unwanted additional scrutiny to any firm even loosely associated with his portfolio. It was also clear to the king that there was no one within his shop who was prepared to take over that position. He would have no choice but to look outside to find someone.
The king set up a meeting with his outside counsel, at their offices. The king sat at the head of a massive table in a conference room on the 32nd floor of an office building in downtown Shushan, as several partners (billing an average of $825/hour) tossed recommendations his way. Finally, an associate (billing a relatively modest $450/hour) came up with a really good idea. “Your majesty should gather together portfolio managers from all over the land, and sequester them in a small, WiFi-equipped office building on the royal campus. These money managers should be given everything they need to do their jobs. Each portfolio manager will receive a laptop preloaded with the trading software of his/her choice, a subscription to whichever daily/weekly/monthly financial publication he/she desires, a Bloomberg terminal (with two screens!), and a personal “Excel jockey” to do his/her spreadsheet work. Each manager will be given a $10 million model portfolio, and will invest/trade that portfolio over a period of six months. After six months, each portfolio will be reviewed, to see how the portfolio managers fared. In addition, each portfolio manager will spend the entirety of a single trading day with the king, so that he/she can be witnessed in a “live” setting. After that, the portfolio manager will be given 60 minutes to describe his/her investment style to the king, and to discuss how he/she would invest the king’s portfolio.”
This idea pleased the king greatly, and he decided to proceed accordingly.
Feeling quite full of himself, the young associate added, “Of course, I’d also recommend that Your Majesty sign a nondisclosure/non-compete agreement with each portfolio manager. The last thing we need is for Your Highness to run into any intellectual property issues down the road.”
At this point, the king frowned deeply, whereupon the uppity associate was promptly removed from the conference room (and the firm’s fast track) and sentenced to 10 years of proofreading regulatory filings.
After a while, the king’s investment fortunes began to change for the worse. Amid general market weakness, his portfolio sagged, and underperformed even the anemic general market benchmarks. He and his army of financial advisors and portfolio managers had seemingly lost their touch. One day, while preparing to ring the opening bell at the Shushan Stock Exchange, in commemoration of one event or the other, the king’s thoughts turned to his deposed queen. He remembered Vashti and the positive influence she had on his portfolio, and missed her well thought-out asset allocation decisions, and her ability to gain a quick, thorough understanding of even the most exotic securities. Unfortunately, there would be no bringing her back now. Vashti was damaged goods, and even if he could get her reinstated by the authorities, her return would bring unwanted additional scrutiny to any firm even loosely associated with his portfolio. It was also clear to the king that there was no one within his shop who was prepared to take over that position. He would have no choice but to look outside to find someone.
The king set up a meeting with his outside counsel, at their offices. The king sat at the head of a massive table in a conference room on the 32nd floor of an office building in downtown Shushan, as several partners (billing an average of $825/hour) tossed recommendations his way. Finally, an associate (billing a relatively modest $450/hour) came up with a really good idea. “Your majesty should gather together portfolio managers from all over the land, and sequester them in a small, WiFi-equipped office building on the royal campus. These money managers should be given everything they need to do their jobs. Each portfolio manager will receive a laptop preloaded with the trading software of his/her choice, a subscription to whichever daily/weekly/monthly financial publication he/she desires, a Bloomberg terminal (with two screens!), and a personal “Excel jockey” to do his/her spreadsheet work. Each manager will be given a $10 million model portfolio, and will invest/trade that portfolio over a period of six months. After six months, each portfolio will be reviewed, to see how the portfolio managers fared. In addition, each portfolio manager will spend the entirety of a single trading day with the king, so that he/she can be witnessed in a “live” setting. After that, the portfolio manager will be given 60 minutes to describe his/her investment style to the king, and to discuss how he/she would invest the king’s portfolio.”
This idea pleased the king greatly, and he decided to proceed accordingly.
Feeling quite full of himself, the young associate added, “Of course, I’d also recommend that Your Majesty sign a nondisclosure/non-compete agreement with each portfolio manager. The last thing we need is for Your Highness to run into any intellectual property issues down the road.”
At this point, the king frowned deeply, whereupon the uppity associate was promptly removed from the conference room (and the firm’s fast track) and sentenced to 10 years of proofreading regulatory filings.
A Purim Tale: Part III
The Story So Far: Acting on the advice of his outside counsel, King Ahasueres arranges an investment contest to determine the successor of Queen Vashti as head of his Investment Committee.
There was a sage, veteran portfolio manager, whose name was Mortimer (“Morty”) Kai, who had been through countless bull and bear markets, had seen numerous asset bubbles inflate and then collapse, who had witnessed the destructive effects of the unencumbered use of leverage. He had a particularly promising trainee by the name of Hadassah (known to her Facebook friends as “Esther”), to whom he was giving over as much as he could of his vast investment knowledge.
Esther had been making something of a name for herself in certain investment circles, having proved adept at deriving profits from the currency markets by using options to construct synthetic baskets of otherwise illiquid currencies.
Still, she was quite new to the managed money game, so it was something of a surprise to her – and to her mentor Morty Kai – when she was asked to join the king’s portfolio manager contest. At first, she protested, fearful that she would only end up making a fool of herself. However, the king’s people made it clear that this was not really an optional invitation. “Besides,” they said almost dismissively, “At least you’ll provide some liquidity.” Her ears still stinging with this most heinous insult, Esther was practically dragged to the designated office building.
Morty Kai was gravely concerned for his protégé’s well-being. He was well aware of the rules of the king’s portfolio contest, and he feared that the short-term nature of the six-month performance assessment period would cause Esther to take undue risks. Sure, Morty Kai could day trade with the best of them, if needed. How could he forget the profits he had made in Consolidated Silk within a couple of frantic hours so many years ago? Still, his experience had taught him that the really big money was made from positions that sometimes took years, not weeks or months, to establish. A six-month contest was nothing more than a spin of the roulette wheel.
Another problem was presented by the king’s insistence that the money managers all describe their investment style, allowing him to lump a bunch of them into one category or the other, such as “growth” “value,” “growth at the right price (GARP),” “momentum,” “contrarian,” and so on. Morty Kai had instructed Esther to avoid this trap, and to resist allowing anyone to boil her investment style down to a single word or phrase. Ever loyal to Morty Kai, Esther in fact resisted these canned descriptions of her investment style, and refused to tell anyone about the specifics of her investment approach, no matter how often they asked.
As she put her model portfolio into place, Esther went about things in a curiously low-key manner. She hardly ever used her Bloomberg terminal, nor the sophisticated charting software on her laptop. She didn’t bother watching the financial news or reading the various financial periodicals, dismissing it as so much “noise.” In fact, she even put together her own spreadsheets. Unlike the other participants in the contest, she did not update the value of her portfolio on a continuous basis, or even daily. From the standpoint of an outside observer, it almost appeared as though she had no interest whatsoever in winning the contest.
Amazingly, as time went on, Esther’s hands-off portfolio management style worked like a charm. As the contest neared its end, her portfolio was ranked above the 95th percentile. In her investment interview with the king, she carried the day with her simple, down-to-earth explanation of her investment philosophy. This proved to be a great relief to the king, who had spent months meeting with a bunch of professional investors who threw enough charts at him to choke a McKinsey consultant. Just the other day, he had half jokingly concluded that the next money manager who showed him a chart overlaying the 50-and 200-day moving average of three currencies, two commodities and four major stock indices on a single chart would promptly be escorted to the royal gallows.
King Ahasueres found himself completely taken by both Esther and her investment style. He chose her as his new Queen and Chief Investment Officer, and arranged a celebrity pro-am golf tournament in her honor, drawing A-listers from every corner of the kingdom.
With Esther now settled into her new position, Morty Kai decided that he needed to get an office near the king’s palace, where he could better monitor Esther’s progress. He rented a small office a couple of blocks away, swallowing hard as he signed a one-year lease at $60/square foot (and that didn’t include utilities!).
One day, shortly after the market closed, as he was getting a coffee from the Starbucks located about a block from the royal palace, Morty Kai overheard two somewhat obscure portfolio managers he knew, XM and Sirius, discussing some inside information they had received. Apparently, one of the region’s largest wine manufacturers was about to report absolutely disastrous earnings, owing to disappointing sales volumes and significant cost overruns at their largest plant. They would also reveal that their pension plan was woefully underfunded, and that they were experiencing difficulty in refinancing their substantial debt load. Without question, this stock would absolutely tank.
Not content with simply shorting the stock in question, and collecting an easy-if-illicit profit, XM and Sirius were going for the really big score. Why short the stock at its current level, if they could generate rumors to drive the stock higher, then short it at those levels, and make an even larger profit when the inevitable crash came? Their plan was rather simple. XM would call up a college fraternity buddy of his, who happened to produce the “Market Rumors” segment on the Empire’s most widely-watched financial news network. During the early afternoon of every trading day, this guy would go on the air, and discuss the latest hot rumor in the marketplace. Without fail, these rumors, bullish or bearish, moved markets up or down, respectively. In addition, Sirius had once worked as a junior analyst at the same firm as a guy who was now one of the king’s biggest portfolio managers. This guy was a real sucker for tips, and would undoubtedly bite on this rumor. With a large portion of the king’s portfolio behind him, Sirius’s former coworker would certainly push the stock higher. Sure, the king would lose millions in the process, but who cared? He had more money than he knew what to do with anyway.
Hearing this plot, Morty Kai knew immediately what he must do. Alert the king, to prevent him from potentially massive losses, and report the two rogue portfolio managers to the authorities. Certainly, Morty Kai could have simply waited a while, and even taken advantage of this inside information. In fact, he was already bearish on the stock of this particular wine manufacturer, based upon his own independent research. However, his actions had always been governed by what was right, not necessarily what was most profitable, and he wasn’t about to change his approach now.
Morty Kai texted Esther about the plot, and she immediately reported it to the king’s compliance department, giving Morty Kai credit for having given her the heads-up. She let the compliance folks report it to the authorities, knowing that the king would be pleased with the positive exposure it would give his administration. He’d now be able to refer to his efforts to clean up the markets. The compliance department investigated the matter, and alerted the regulatory authorities, who banned XM and Sirius from the securities industry for life. The king asked his compliance manager to record the fact that Morty Kai had served as a whistleblower in this case, and that he should eventually be rewarded.
There was a sage, veteran portfolio manager, whose name was Mortimer (“Morty”) Kai, who had been through countless bull and bear markets, had seen numerous asset bubbles inflate and then collapse, who had witnessed the destructive effects of the unencumbered use of leverage. He had a particularly promising trainee by the name of Hadassah (known to her Facebook friends as “Esther”), to whom he was giving over as much as he could of his vast investment knowledge.
Esther had been making something of a name for herself in certain investment circles, having proved adept at deriving profits from the currency markets by using options to construct synthetic baskets of otherwise illiquid currencies.
Still, she was quite new to the managed money game, so it was something of a surprise to her – and to her mentor Morty Kai – when she was asked to join the king’s portfolio manager contest. At first, she protested, fearful that she would only end up making a fool of herself. However, the king’s people made it clear that this was not really an optional invitation. “Besides,” they said almost dismissively, “At least you’ll provide some liquidity.” Her ears still stinging with this most heinous insult, Esther was practically dragged to the designated office building.
Morty Kai was gravely concerned for his protégé’s well-being. He was well aware of the rules of the king’s portfolio contest, and he feared that the short-term nature of the six-month performance assessment period would cause Esther to take undue risks. Sure, Morty Kai could day trade with the best of them, if needed. How could he forget the profits he had made in Consolidated Silk within a couple of frantic hours so many years ago? Still, his experience had taught him that the really big money was made from positions that sometimes took years, not weeks or months, to establish. A six-month contest was nothing more than a spin of the roulette wheel.
Another problem was presented by the king’s insistence that the money managers all describe their investment style, allowing him to lump a bunch of them into one category or the other, such as “growth” “value,” “growth at the right price (GARP),” “momentum,” “contrarian,” and so on. Morty Kai had instructed Esther to avoid this trap, and to resist allowing anyone to boil her investment style down to a single word or phrase. Ever loyal to Morty Kai, Esther in fact resisted these canned descriptions of her investment style, and refused to tell anyone about the specifics of her investment approach, no matter how often they asked.
As she put her model portfolio into place, Esther went about things in a curiously low-key manner. She hardly ever used her Bloomberg terminal, nor the sophisticated charting software on her laptop. She didn’t bother watching the financial news or reading the various financial periodicals, dismissing it as so much “noise.” In fact, she even put together her own spreadsheets. Unlike the other participants in the contest, she did not update the value of her portfolio on a continuous basis, or even daily. From the standpoint of an outside observer, it almost appeared as though she had no interest whatsoever in winning the contest.
Amazingly, as time went on, Esther’s hands-off portfolio management style worked like a charm. As the contest neared its end, her portfolio was ranked above the 95th percentile. In her investment interview with the king, she carried the day with her simple, down-to-earth explanation of her investment philosophy. This proved to be a great relief to the king, who had spent months meeting with a bunch of professional investors who threw enough charts at him to choke a McKinsey consultant. Just the other day, he had half jokingly concluded that the next money manager who showed him a chart overlaying the 50-and 200-day moving average of three currencies, two commodities and four major stock indices on a single chart would promptly be escorted to the royal gallows.
King Ahasueres found himself completely taken by both Esther and her investment style. He chose her as his new Queen and Chief Investment Officer, and arranged a celebrity pro-am golf tournament in her honor, drawing A-listers from every corner of the kingdom.
With Esther now settled into her new position, Morty Kai decided that he needed to get an office near the king’s palace, where he could better monitor Esther’s progress. He rented a small office a couple of blocks away, swallowing hard as he signed a one-year lease at $60/square foot (and that didn’t include utilities!).
One day, shortly after the market closed, as he was getting a coffee from the Starbucks located about a block from the royal palace, Morty Kai overheard two somewhat obscure portfolio managers he knew, XM and Sirius, discussing some inside information they had received. Apparently, one of the region’s largest wine manufacturers was about to report absolutely disastrous earnings, owing to disappointing sales volumes and significant cost overruns at their largest plant. They would also reveal that their pension plan was woefully underfunded, and that they were experiencing difficulty in refinancing their substantial debt load. Without question, this stock would absolutely tank.
Not content with simply shorting the stock in question, and collecting an easy-if-illicit profit, XM and Sirius were going for the really big score. Why short the stock at its current level, if they could generate rumors to drive the stock higher, then short it at those levels, and make an even larger profit when the inevitable crash came? Their plan was rather simple. XM would call up a college fraternity buddy of his, who happened to produce the “Market Rumors” segment on the Empire’s most widely-watched financial news network. During the early afternoon of every trading day, this guy would go on the air, and discuss the latest hot rumor in the marketplace. Without fail, these rumors, bullish or bearish, moved markets up or down, respectively. In addition, Sirius had once worked as a junior analyst at the same firm as a guy who was now one of the king’s biggest portfolio managers. This guy was a real sucker for tips, and would undoubtedly bite on this rumor. With a large portion of the king’s portfolio behind him, Sirius’s former coworker would certainly push the stock higher. Sure, the king would lose millions in the process, but who cared? He had more money than he knew what to do with anyway.
Hearing this plot, Morty Kai knew immediately what he must do. Alert the king, to prevent him from potentially massive losses, and report the two rogue portfolio managers to the authorities. Certainly, Morty Kai could have simply waited a while, and even taken advantage of this inside information. In fact, he was already bearish on the stock of this particular wine manufacturer, based upon his own independent research. However, his actions had always been governed by what was right, not necessarily what was most profitable, and he wasn’t about to change his approach now.
Morty Kai texted Esther about the plot, and she immediately reported it to the king’s compliance department, giving Morty Kai credit for having given her the heads-up. She let the compliance folks report it to the authorities, knowing that the king would be pleased with the positive exposure it would give his administration. He’d now be able to refer to his efforts to clean up the markets. The compliance department investigated the matter, and alerted the regulatory authorities, who banned XM and Sirius from the securities industry for life. The king asked his compliance manager to record the fact that Morty Kai had served as a whistleblower in this case, and that he should eventually be rewarded.
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